Distance and Time cannot keep us apart

好久没有写博客了，想写的时候不知道写啥，有东西写了却不知道咋写，嗯或者是我根本就太懒了。这次就打中文吧，毕竟英文不是我内心的语言。

这个寒假，我们经历了不少，终于有了可以相处的日子，感情也更好了（升华这个词太猥琐了）。我想我们这次的分开跟上次肯定有不同吧？分离的微笑变成了忍哭，电话中不再有任何顾忌了，心中唯一的恐惧也几乎消失了。本来应该感到不再孤单了，但回来后却不懂得如何生活，似乎反而变成更孤单了。明明听得到你的声音，闻得到你的香水，甚至可以看见你的笑容，怎么自己还是更渴望在你身边呢？难道触觉是那么重要的吗？比上次有了更多的互动和回忆，也少了份担心，可是你好像离我更远了，有时会发现自己不敢想你。也许我们做的一切根本不能改变距离，也许距离是无法征服的。

我不是怕，只是不喜欢自己现在的状况。

为什么我总是选在赶作业的时候来打博客？

They were absolutely magical!

My initial expectations were nothing compared to those wonderful days that we shared together. Everything we did somehow transformed itself into happiness. The the words you said, the way you touched me, the smell of your hair, all those little details will stay with me forever as the blissful memories we had. I could never have dreamt how intimate our relationship has become, we've been through so much and yet we're still in single digits.

But now, it feels like we're two worlds apart. You, rushing to be ready for your exams, and me, bored to death in the middle of nowhere. With nothing to do, I just cannot get you out of my mind. You're the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink. I'm addicted to you baby!

Happy four months my dearest, I look forward to the day we break into double figures.

We've been together for 3 months. Thats 92 in days, out of these 92 we were only able to spend 2 full days with eachother, in rough maths that's 2%.

2%! I wonder how many couples can survive together spending a measly two percents of their life with their loved ones. My friends are still astonished that we went forward with this ridiculous notion of a long-distance relationship.

But its true, I've been sooo happy in these 90 days. Of course I'd be even happier if I was with you, but I really enjoyed getting to know you more and more by each day, sharing my life with you through the limited resources and time. We had fun on the phone, and I loved the e-mails that you sent me, they were absolutely heard-warming. I can tell you that not for a second was there doubt about us in my mind, because we are just that *special*!

If everything goes to plan I will see you in three weeks time, my love, so let the countdown begin!

Life has been way too hectic lately. Yet when free time pops up, I suddenly don't know how to face it. This swarm of loneliness drenches over me, I can't help it, and I've been trying to think of you to counter this feeling, but this time its not working.

We really were pushing our luck. I mean those two days were magical, but we can't live on it forever, even 3 months is hard to get by, let alone a year. Anyways thats past us, the talk last night really gave me hope. Now I'm just anticipating my return to your side.

My dearest, like how you said it, all the pain we suffer now will contribute to the happiness when we finally meet, and until that day, you still are the queen of my heart.

P.S. I still prefer expressing myself in voice rather words. That's probably why I've been reluctant write things.

" 那一瞬間，我仿佛知曉了"永遠"，"心靈"，"靈魂"之所在，

覺得好像將這21年的點點滴滴都在與對方分享。

然後，在下一個瞬間，卻是難以忍受的悲傷，

妳的那份溫暖，那份情意，該如何去珍藏，該帶往何方﹖

我並不知道。

但我明確地知道，今後，我們無法永遠在一齊，

在我們之間，無情地橫陳著，

對我們而言還過於沉重的人生，和難以跨越的時間。

可是，侵襲我的不安，最終還是慢慢地消去，

剩下的，只有妳柔軟的雙唇。 "

Copy and edited from "5 centimetres per second"

Perhaps it wasn't the right movie for us but that definitely was how I felt when we err... yeah that.

Let's start off with a story. Once upon a time there was a little boy who was so lazy that he practically did nothing at all. He slacked off in school and at home and everywhere else, and because he was such a lazy boy everybody had lost confidence in him. There was a time when nobody considered him trustworthy or competent, in the end it took a nasty shock to wake him up, he disappeared after that.

I thought he was gone, but his shadow crept up upon a few days ago. He took over this body and did truly horrendous things with it, which basically was nothing.

I really hate this feeling, because after I've procrastinated this inate feeling of remorse washes over me and there's no getting out of it. This reminds me of a word that I used to hate a few years back, "responsibility". Its not that I don't want any responsiblities, but that I am not fond of the idea of being pushed by it.

Wai called me schizophrenic today, I don't think he's mistaken. My mood changes have been more and more frequent and it probably is associated with the bouts of laziness. Its affecting me and people around me as well as my studies. He also said that I had depression, he's not wrong either, there are some symptoms of mild depression apparent already, and things seems to be getting worse.
Perhaps I just need a bit more sleep.

On the good note there's only fifty-odd days left before I see you again.

It was past midnight, I walked slowly through the empty streets, alone, cold and tired.

Not a person in sight, with only the sound of distant traffic accompanying me.

I felt lonely.

Yet

My mind was clear, I could hear your voice ringing in my ears, your beautiful face within reach.

My love for you is stronger than ever. It was in those desolated streets that I felt we were so close to eachother, almost, almost....

I miss you. I need you. I love you.

The ten-day holiday comes to an end now. Looking back, I feel guilty that more wasn't done to make my life easier in the coming weeks.

We tasted defeat for the first time in more than a year, it certainly wasn't a good feeling. Although I felt that I played competently, our team definitely didn't. Now we're on the road towards improvement.

Now that I think of it, there's not much I remember doing in the past week. But I do remember your twenti-first birthday my dearest, and I am so grateful that you had a wonderful day. It must be fate that the presents arrived on your birthday and I hope you can fully utilise them. It kills that I cannot be with you for this monumental day and that I will probably miss the next two as well, but those will be the last of your birthdays that I miss, I promise you that.

Its almost half-way through the semester, which means I'm half-way done waiting to be with you!

Thursday was like hell. Nothing was going right and my mind was playing all sorts of tricks on me. If this had been the old me then I guess I would've sulked alone all day, and nothing could've made me felt better. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

But then I called you on the phone, my dearest, and it could have been the voice of an angel that answered. I don't know how you did it, but just hearing your voice on the phone drastically changed those hormones in my brain. I just couldn't stop being happy! The same thing happened again last night, where you took me out of my depression once more and gave me optimism. You know I am greatly relieved that I can talk to you about my problems , I've never done anything like this before but it feels alleviating just to be able to share my despair, and I am so glad that you were gentle and sympathetic. Problem solved.

Now you see how important you are to me? I can't lose you, I won't lose you.

75(ish) days left.

When you're not around, my thoughts never trail from that someone.

When you're not around, I don't know how I get by.

When you're not around, neither is my heart.

So we've changed the routine a bit, don't think I like this much. Sleep doesn't come as easily now that there's no one to wish me good-night. Life otherwise is still the usual, its just that as 11:30pm looms near I start to panic, desperately trying to find something to do. Only one more day to go .. right?

Miss you.

Aaarrrrgghhh!

The migraine is growing, I can barely keep my eyes open, my whole body is in tatters, even thinking hurts. Its just sad that the report won't write itself! Things haven't been exactly smooth sailing lately, and these selfish ignorant people aren't making it easier. Remind me not to punch you next time I see you!

Ok I can hear my bed calling me.

Apologies to my beloved, for I have not been actively writing this blog or E-mails to you lately.

This week is starting to turn into a nightmare for me, with 2 tests and another design report due in next monday. Suddenly I feel as if the world is closing in on me, hopefully I can handle the pressure. I sure hope you are faring better, at least you should have some breathing space with your two presentations out of the way. But perhaps being busy is the best way for both of us, well in some weird way according to my mum.

Anyways I'm sorry that I haven't been giving you much feedback lately and that I might not be around much in the coming week. However I do remember my promises.

Now that I have found you, it is time to put this miracle into words.

Let me explain something first. I don't believe that I am a complete human, for I am unable to speak out my our feelings or come to grip with it, and I find myself incapable of loving others. I have been abandoned, betrayed and left behind, and this has made me deficient of confidence and courage. I have been having insomniac nights trying to figure out what I am living for, and I could not come up with any decent answers.

Then of course you came into my life. Actually you've been there for sometime, but always as a distance star, so far away yet shining brightly occasionally. It was not until recently that our worlds started to resonate, and mine was turned upside down. I was completely enthralled by your charming smile, by your innocent personally, by you! You were like the perfect woman in my own sense of terms, and I found myself attracted to you in a way that defied all my unsecurties. I love your gullibility, your ability to share your honest thoughts, the touch of your hands and lips and everything else about you.

You have liberated my soul, and I wish that I could do the same for you. Whether fate wants us to be together I really don't care, all I know is that I have found that someone I have been waiting for my whole life, and I am not about to let go. Not being able to accompany you is one of the hardest things in life, but since you've given me such an assuring answer, I will make this promise to you: I am yours for life. I know what I'm living for now, you have made me complete again. You are my sun now.

No this is not a love letter. This is just my confession.

And so we're off.

This blog will be the platform for me to transfer my thoughts and feelings into writing, and hopefully as time goes on I will be able to do that in Chinese.

I will try my best to make sure that my entries are sincere and whole, and that you will be able to comprehend my delights and dejections, and ultimately, my heart.